Red Wine
by Adicea
Summary: After a typical Daimon attack, Haruka awakes to find herself in the Daimon's body. There is a small problem in getting back to her body, however; Michiru does not take kindly to monsters invading their apartment.
1. Chapter 1

No, Sailor Moon doesn't belong to me.

* * *

Red Wine

Chapter One

There was a light groan as Uranus slowly got up, feeling like she had been hit by a freight train. "Neptune?" she murmured, not knowing whether her partner was still in senshi form or not. "Where are you?"

She looked around, wondering where she was. She stood up, losing her balance for a few moments as she accustomed herself to a new center of balance—which was odd. She didn't remember suddenly gaining a few pounds.

With a small click, she finally recognized the place. She was in front of that concert hall they had battled the violin-shaped Daimon at before she had fallen unconscious. But why was she still here? Michiru should have gotten them both back to their apartment...

There were shards of broken glass around her feet. Leaning down, she picked one up, and looked at her fractured reflection.

The violin-shaped Daimon looked back at her.

She looked down.

_My torso is shaped like a violin._

"Oh God!" she yelled, hastily throwing the glass away. "W-what is this?" she asked, breath shaky as she ran a finger across the wood of her torso.

* * *

Across town, Michiru was stirred from her slumber by Haruka's mumbling. Smiling, she snuggled deeper into the taller woman's chest to hear what the racer was saying.

"Octave."

A look of momentary confusion passed over the violinist's face before she smiled again, shaking her head indulgently. Haruka was having a dream about that Daimon.

* * *

"What to do, what to do..." Haruka repeated the words as she paced back and forth. She couldn't let any of the senshi see her like this, especially not Michiru. But Michiru would probably be with her body, and how would she get back to normal if she wasn't near her body?

It was confusing, and Haruka had never liked confusing things.

Though she had already become used to walking, she knew that if she wanted to get anywhere, she would have to jump on the roofs. Walking in the streets would attract attention and possibly Sailor Moon, and she couldn't afford to be on the receiving end of a Moon Spiral Heart Attack. No, she needed to be stealthy tonight.

It vaguely reminded her of some stealth game she had played once. Attract attention, you die.

She didn't know if she could jump very well, what with her new center of balance and all. To test it, she decided to jump onto a nearby bench.

She crouched, jumped, and tumbled to the ground.

* * *

"Mm, Haruka, how are you feeling?" Michiru asked her lover, who had sat up abruptly. "Are you feeling better from that right hook?"

"Octave," the racer mumbled.

"You're still thinking about that Daimon?" the violinist asked with a raised eyebrow. The Senshi of Wind's green eyes flitted over to her.

"Octave," Haruka repeated. "Octave."

"Haruka..." Michiru didn't know what was wrong, but she guessed it had something to do with the Daimon's attack yesterday.

Then, without warning, Haruka shouted, "OCTAVE!" and tore open her shirt.

Michiru nearly had a nosebleed at the sight of the racer's breasts, but she managed to control it. "Ara, I'm surprised you're feeling that way. You were unconscious a few minutes ago, you know." She chuckled and pressed her body close to her lover's. "Is that why you're saying that? You want to be the Daimon tonight?"

"Octave?" the racer asked, wondering why the violinist's heart hadn't been taken yet. "Octave."

The stirring in her body's groin was unfamiliar to the Daimon, but she decided to go along with it anyway.

* * *

It had taken all night, but Haruka had finally mastered jumping in the Daimon's body.

She jumped from roof to roof, following the familiar path that led to her apartment. After a few minutes, she finally arrived at her apartment building, dropping down to the window she a nd Neptune always used to get in whenever they got back home in senshi form. Unlatching it, she stepped through it carefully.

Then she was stuck.

Her stupid violin torso had gotten stuck in the window. Her head and arms were inside the apartment while her legs were dangling over the balcony. There was only one thing to do; she didn't want to do it, but she had to if she was ever to get back to her body.

She sucked in a deep breath and yelled, "Michiru!"

* * *

"Haruka?" Her head popped out from under the covers, alarmed at the desperation in her lover's voice. But the voice had come from outside of the room, and Haruka was right here, whispering "Octave" in her sleep.

Idly, she began to trace the curve of the blonde's bare abdomen while waiting to hear if the voice would say anything again. On cue, she heard her name called again, and at last she stood up and put on a robe.

She walked out into the living room and stopped dead.

She stared at the violin-shaped Daimon and decided that there was only one thing she could do.

"NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" she cried, raising her henshin stick, and in an instant she became Sailor Neptune.

"Michiru! You're here!" the Daimon cried, breaking into a smile and completely startling the Senshi of the Sea. "Where's my body?"

"Octave?" Haruka stumbled into the room, doing a double-take when she saw both Neptune and the Daimon. She was still naked.

"...Michiru, did you...?" Haruka didn't want to finish her sentence.

"What's going on here?" Neptune asked, confused. "Haruka, you've been acting weird since last night and now suddenly the Daimon comes in here speaking English and knowing my name? Augh!" It was the first time Haruka had ever seen Michiru this confused and angry.

"Now look here, Michiru. I'm Haruka, and I woke up in this body. And in my body," she pointed to the Haruka-Daimon, "is the Daimon we fought last night."

"Octave," the Haruka-Daimon said happily.

"So could you get me unstuck, please? I'd like to get back to my normal body," the Daimon-Haruka finished with a smile.

Neptune didn't look persuaded. "Tell me something only Haruka would know."

The Daimon-Haruka thought for a moment before answering, "Well, you have a round birthmark on your inner thighs, you have this spot on your stomach that you like me to..."

"Okay, that's enough." The Senshi of the Sea cut her off quickly, knowing her face must be a new shade of red. "I believe you." Summoning a miniature Deep Submerge, she wet the Daimon-Haruka's sides where she was stuck, and pulled her out. They tumbled to the floor, eliciting a loud thud.

The Daimon-Haruka stood up quickly, looking at her body. The Haruka-Daimon looked back at her.

"Octave?" the Haruka-Daimon asked, blinking at the violin Daimon-Haruka.

"So how are we going to get you back into your normal body?" Neptune asked, having stood up and brushed herself off. "Can you think of any ideas?"

"Er, taking my Pure Heart?" the Daimon-Haruka asked. "I don't know. Do you have anything better? I mean, we can just return it if it doesn't work, right?"

"I can't think of anything else. Try it," Neptune encouraged.

"Okay, let's see. How did the Daimon do it...?" the displaced racer murmured to herself. "Pull the strings apart here... ah! There it is." She pulled back the wood to reveal a small black star on her stomach. "Okay, Daimon. How do I do this?" she asked the Haruka-Daimon.

"Octave?"

"That's not much help. Guess I'll just have to figure this out on my own." She closed her eyes for a brief moment and concentrated. A beam shot out of the star, hitting the Haruka-Daimon square in the chest.

"OCTAVE!" the Haruka-Daimon screamed in pain. A shining crystal appeared from within, and then the Haruka-Daimon fell over.

"That didn't work," the Daimon-Haruka said after a few moments of waiting. "Where'd my heart go... kami-sama."

"What?" Neptune asked, and turned to where the Daimon-Haruka was facing.

A jewel-encrusted sword greeted them.

The Space Sword.

The first talisman.

Neither of them knew what to say.

* * *

Author's Note: I think I have some sort of obsession with the Talismans and finding them. I know I've watched 110 so many times I could recite it in my sleep. But anyway, please R&R. Reading reviews makes me happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Okay, this got really ridiculous once the Inners came in. And I still don't own Sailor Moon.

* * *

"I had the first Talisman?" the Daimon-Haruka gasped, barely noticing her body writhing in pain on the floor. "Oh God... Michiru, do you have a chair? I need to sit down."

"Take it," her lover said, monotone. She pulled out a chair from the nearby dining table and gave it to the Daimon-Haruka, who sat down almost immediately.

"I—I can't believe that I had it." The Daimon-Haruka reached out her hand to grab it, but when she neared it there was a spark and a sudden pain in her fingers. "I suppose I can't take it then," she said ruefully. "Maybe it's because I'm in this body...?"

"I don't know what to do," Neptune admitted, frowning. "What happens if your body dies? Then you won't be able to return to it."

"We do what we always do." The Daimon-Haruka shrugged her shoulders. "Sacrifices must be made for the sake of the mission. I suppose I'll be stuck in this form. Do you think I can still henshin?" she asked.

"Try it."

She closed her eyes, searching for the familiar power of Uranus in her mind, and to her surprise, she found it. When she opened her eyes, her henshin stick was in her hand.

She raised it aloft and called, "URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!"

There was a flash. When Neptune opened her stinging eyes she gasped.

"Uranus?" she asked.

"Yes, Neptune?" Uranus replied, glancing at her.

"Look at yourself." Neptune smirked.

"What... oh." Uranus looked down, an awkward look gracing the Daimon's features. "Um."

Her uniform had obviously been tailored for humans, as it now hung off her violin frame awkwardly. Indeed, she looked completely ridiculous; the leotard was pulled tight against her upper half, close to bursting at the seams, and her skirt had ripped and was now only hanging on by a small strand. The bow attached to her hand had completely torn through her glove, though her other hand was perfectly fine. Her tiara was slipping down her head, and angrily, she pushed it back up.

"This could be a problem," she growled.

There were a few seconds of silence, and then Neptune burst into hysterical laughter.

* * *

"No, Daimon! You will not get away with this! We'll get back Unazuki's Pure Heart!" Sailor Moon shouted at the retreating monster. "For love and justice! The pretty soldier in a sailor suit! Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"

The vacuum cleaner Daimon paused, glancing at her. It smirked, charging at her, and Sailor Moon cried out as she was knocked back.

Uranus and Neptune arrived, hidden behind a nearby car. "Er, so how are we going to do this?" Uranus asked, glancing down at her violin-shaped form. "Do we just go out there like usual?"

"I suppose we must," Neptune said thoughtfully, bringing the Space Sword up to her chin as she rested her head on her palm in a thoughtful pose. She glanced at it again. "You know, I think this sword was meant for you to hold. It doesn't feel right in my hands."

"Well, the way I am now I don't think the sword will let me hold it," Uranus deadpanned, pushing her slipping tiara back up to her forehead. "Well, I guess we should go then. It looks like they're in trouble."

The Inners and Daimon all stopped moving and turned to stare when Neptune shouted, "Wait!"

"Guided by a new era, I am Sailor Uranus, fighting magnificently!" Uranus shouted, trying to look as cool and sexy as possible in her Daimon body. She could see Sailor Moon's eyes _triple _in size from where she stood atop the car.

"Same here, Sailor Neptune! Fighting gracefully!" her partner finished, looking as thoughtful and beautiful as ever. The Inners all stared at the Senshi of Wind, eyes growing to several times their size.

"Sailor Uranus?" one of the braver ones, Jupiter, asked. "...What happened to you?"

"It's a long story." Uranus brushed the question off easily and then leapt at the vacuum cleaner Daimon, who was staring at her like she had gone insane.

"Why are you attacking me? We're Daimons!" the enemy Daimon asked, and it disturbed Uranus to realize that she could understand it.

"Give me the Pure Heart!" she shouted, catching it off guard, and she successfully knocked the shining crystal out of its hands and into Neptune's. It looked at her partner and its eyes, too, widened.

"Talisman!" it shouted, staring at the Space Sword. The Inners simultaneously gasped; Tuxedo Kamen, who had been preparing to throw a rose, even joined them in gasping.

"No way! You got a Talisman?" Venus yelled. "That means you... you killed someone!"

The Inners and Tuxedo Kamen gasped simultaneously again.

"Who was it?" Sailor Moon asked, voice shaky and full of tears. "Who was the owner of the Talisman...?"

Neptune looked at her partner, who was busy subduing the Daimon. "It's none of your business. We have one and that's all that matters. Stay out of our way." With that, she Deep Submerged the Daimon.

"Now, Sailor Moon!" Uranus shouted.

The Senshi of the Moon looked at her, eyes widening again, and hesitantly nodded.

After the show of twirling that would have made any ballerina jealous was over, Uranus and Neptune walked closer to each other to get a closer look at the Pure Heart.

"Nope, that's not a Talisman," Uranus said, and Neptune threw it to Mercury, who was the closest. "Bye."

They turned to leave, but Sailor Moon cried, "Wait!"

"What?" the Senshi of Wind asked irritably. "Look, if it has anything to do with 'why do you look like a Daimon, Uranus,' I don't want to hear it."

"No, I actually wanted to ask who you sacrificed. Could you please tell me?" Moon looked terribly sad as she said this.

Uranus turned to her partner. "What do you think, Neptune? I see no harm in it."

"Well, I told them earlier to stay out of our business, but if you don't think there's anything wrong with it I see no problem in telling them," Neptune said after some thought.

"The person we sacrificed was..." Uranus trailed off as the Inners leaned closer to her. "Would you stop that? I'm claustrophobic."

"Oh. Sorry," they all said, and moved back into their original spots.

"Her name was Tenoh Haruka."

"WHAT?" they all cried out. "Not Haruka-san!"

Sailor Moon burst into tears.

"What will Michiru-san think? I bet she must be so depressed!" she shouted. "How could you?"

"I've told you," Neptune said coldly, though Uranus could see that she was secretly amused, "we must make sacrifices for the greater good."

"Sailor Moon, shouldn't we be returning the Pure Heart...?" Mercury interjected. Sailor Moon picked herself up, still sniffling a bit, and nodded.

"Okay. Let's go." They turned and left.

Uranus's expression was quizzical as she turned to her lover and asked, "Do they know us?"

Neptune shrugged.


	3. Chapter 3

Still don't own it. I do have to note that this is a parody, however, so obviously I am going to make ridiculous jokes, deconstruct some things, and perhaps lampshade certain things.

* * *

When they arrived back at their apartment, they both detransformed, Haruka noting to her displeasure that she was still a Daimon. She looked down at her body, which had gone quiet and still; though the silence was nice, she did worry; internally, she wondered if her body had died.

"You know," Michiru said, placing the Space Sword down, "I bet when we get you back into your normal body, the sword would let you hold it. It _did _come out of you, after all." She said this casually, though Haruka knew she was just as worried about the condition of her body.

Haruka looked at her with an amused sigh, trying to lighten the mood. "Michiru, you're making it sound like I had a baby or something."

Her violinist girlfriend blinked, looked up at the ceiling, and smirked. "That's not such a bad idea," she said. "Once we get you back into your normal body, then maybe..."

"No." Haruka cut her off. "No, Michiru. Just no."

"I know," the artist said, grinning now. "Did you really believe that I would make you do such a thing?"

"You've made me do ridiculous things before. Like last week." Haruka scratched her head with her non-bow hand.

"Oh? And what did I make you do last week?"

Haruka shuddered and said, "Remember dress-up?"

"Ah." Michiru nodded, staring at her. Her eyes fell on the displaced racer's bow-hand. "Do you think I could play you?" she asked.

"Play me...?" Haruka repeated, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Like this. Here," the violinist said, moving behind her lover. Gently, she grabbed the bow that served as one of Haruka's hands and ran it across the strings, producing a low note.

"Mm, Michiru. That feels good," Haruka said, closing her eyes. Amused by her lover's reaction, Michiru continued to play.

* * *

Hearing the moans that came from his upstairs neighbors, Ikari Akira mumbled, "Kids these days, breeding like rabbits... how'd they even get their parents to let them live together?"

* * *

"Oh man, Michiru," Haruka said, collapsing onto the couch and slightly out of breath. "We should do that more often if I'm going to be stuck in this body for a while."

Michiru giggled. "Ara, is that better than sex?"

Haruka looked down at her violin-shaped torso. "I would say 'why don't we find out,' but I have the odd feeling that this body isn't built that way."

There were four light knocks on the door to their apartment, and a sad voice said, "Michiru-san? Are you there?"

"It's Usagi-tachi," Haruka said quietly. "I'll go hide in our bedroom."

"Take your body while you're at it," Michiru said, looking down at the body. "I don't think they would take kindly to walking in and seeing a corpse."

Haruka chuckled, hoisting her body's hand up with the bow and grabbing it. "When you're done pretending to be a depressed widow, just tell me and I'll come out."

"Of the closet?"

The displaced racer glared at her. "I think my sexual orientation is rather obvious, but if Usagi-tachi haven't figured it out by now, I'm not telling them."

"You know I'm only joking." Michiru smiled elegantly. "I'll be back."

Dragging her body, Haruka walked into their room and locked the door. Turning her body awkwardly so that the violin wouldn't bump against the door, she pressed an ear to it to hear what they were saying.

"Oh, hello, Usagi-tachi. How are you doing?"

"Michiru-san, we heard about... about Haruka-san."

A depressed sigh. "I know. Here, why don't you all sit down. I'll make some tea for you."

"Michiru-san, please let me do it. You've just lost someone very important to you. I'll do it. Do you want me to make some food too?"

"No thank you, Mako-chan. Tea would be fine, thank you."

There were a few minutes of silence; evidently, Usagi-tachi didn't know what to say.

"Er, Michiru-san?" Makoto's voice came from the kitchen. "What...?"

"What is it?" Haruka could hear Michiru walking into the kitchen.

"You... have a sword... on your counter..."

"Oh shit," Haruka murmured. They had completely forgotten about it while they were playing. Inwardly, she wondered how Michiru was going to get out of this predicament.

She pressed her ear closer to the door, and began to hear tiny sniffles. "T-that's from... that's from when Haruka and I went cosplaying."

Haruka nearly choked on her spit. Cosplaying? Where had Michiru pulled that from? But apparently the lie had worked, and she could hear Makoto saying, "Oh God, I'm so sorry, Michiru. I didn't want to remind you of her..."

She could hear Michiru sobbing now; the violinist was very good at acting. In fact, Haruka thought, the violinist was good at just about everything. "It's okay, Mako-chan. Please, don't worry about it. I'll go put that up. Please, continue."

Metal clinked as the artist pulled the Space Sword off of the counter. When the light, elegant steps Haruka heard came close to the door, she unlocked it to let the violinist in, who didn't look teary at all. "You're a good actress," she said appreciatively as Michiru walked in. "If our roles were switched, I'd probably just act the way I usually do around them... flirty. I bet they would think that I've lost my mind."

"They wouldn't think that, dear. They'd probably just sign you up for therapy." She placed the sword on the bed, glancing at Haruka's body worriedly. "Okay, I'll be back."

"All right. I'll be here."

* * *

Night fell. The Inners had left several hours ago, though they had only left once Michiru had all but shoved them through the door. She was currently laying in their bed, but Haruka didn't know whether laying with her would be comfortable for the violinist. The displaced racer was made of wood now, after all.

"I know what you're thinking," Michiru said. Haruka smiled a little at that; her partner had always displayed some psychic power. "It really doesn't matter. Just come to bed."

"Won't you be uncomfortable?" she asked tenderly. "I do want you to be able to sleep, you know."

"It doesn't matter," the violinist said softly. "As long as you're next to me, I'll be fine."

Sighing, Haruka finally gave in and slid awkwardly under the blanket, wrapping her one hand around Michiru's stomach.

"As long as you're with me... no matter what form you're in," Michiru added. Then she looked at the Senshi of Wind over her shoulder. "Don't get me wrong. I do miss my beautiful blonde Haruka, but I suppose that you becoming a Daimon was a good thing, since you don't have to die to have the Talisman."

"Is that really how you look at it?" Haruka said quietly. Michiru was silent for a few moments.

"Sometimes I wish we didn't have to do this, Haruka." She answered by avoiding the question.

"Michiru..."

Michiru turned over onto her right side, fully facing her lover. "Do you think we would have met if we hadn't been senshi?"

Gently, the displaced racer pushed Michiru's aquamarine hair out of her face. "I like to think that no matter how far apart we were, or even if we were enemies, we would have found each other eventually."

"Mm." The violinist closed her eyes at Haruka's touch. "That's a nice thought."

"Even if we were cousins—"

"Okay, Haruka. That's going a little too far." She scowled playfully. "That was a nice thought until you brought up incest."

"I'm sorry! I was just proving a point!" She winced as Michiru glared at her. "I'm sorry, really. Forgive me?"

The look in the Carribean blue eyes she loved so much softened. "Of course. I always do. You know that."

She smiled, though she refrained from kissing Michiru, not knowing how she would react. "I love you," she said.

"I love you too. Good night, Haruka."

And with that last sentiment, they slept.

* * *

When Michiru opened her eyes, the first thing she said was, "There will be a Daimon attack at some love contest in the park today."

"Another dream?" Haruka asked, not waiting for the answer. "You can go. People won't scream upon seeing you."

"What about you?"

"I'll follow you, but I'll stay hidden. I'll transform and come out—"

"Of the closet?"

"Enough of that, Michiru," she said with a smirk, chuckling. "Anyway, I'll transform if needed."

"That sounds good. I'll go take a shower. Could you be a dear and make breakfast?" Michiru batted her eyes at her lover, knowing Haruka couldn't resist that look.

"Guess so..." Haruka grumbled. "As long as you don't take an hour in there again. I don't want to have to drag you out again."

"You seemed fine with it before," Michiru noted.

"That was before I turned into a Daimon made of wood."

"Mah!" With, for once, no witty comebacks, Michiru walked into the bathroom.

* * *

Mantaray: Those are some very good points you bring up. Now that I'm thinking about it, I really want to start retconning the first two chapters to fit in with the points you make. I've attempted to help explain one of your points (shouldn't Michiru be more depressed?) as well as parodying it, because, as you know, this is a parody. But thank you for your criticism, nevertheless.

As usual, please R&R. Reviews make me a happy otaku.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, it would be called Sailor Uranus.

* * *

Michiru had been right about the attack, but then again, Michiru was always right.

They arrived in the middle of the fight, if it could be called even that. The Inners were trapped by the Daimon, who was taking a look at the glasses kid's Pure Heart. Uranus found it terribly embarrassing.

Spying a nearby rose bush, she kicked some fallen petals into the air where they were caught by a breeze, blowing in front of the Daimon's face. It looked over at them and asked, "Die Heart?"

"Invited by a new era, Sailor Uranus! Appearing magnificently!" She crossed her arms in a pose that would have looked cool if she was in her normal body.

"Same here, Sailor Neptune! Appearing gracefully!"

They were both surprised to see Kaolinite materialize above the Daimon, glance at the two, and say, "Die Heart, give them both dance partners."

Then she suddenly did a double-take, staring at Uranus. "Octave?" she asked. "What're you doing in a sailor fuku?"

"I'm not Octave," Uranus said. "As I said before, I am Sailor Uranus!"

Kaolinite looked very confused.

"But you look exactly like Octave..." she mused. "No matter. I'll take care of you later. Die Heart, continue."

"Die Heart!" the Daimon shouted. Uranus and Neptune shifted into an offensive stance. "Let's Dancing!"

"No, I think we can provide our own dance partners," Uranus said, kicking the random Daimon that had materialized in front of her to the side, where it disappeared. "Right, Neptune?" She looked at her partner. "...Neptune?"

"Haruka..." Neptune murmured, unable to take her eyes off of the Haruka-lookalike the Daimon had conjured up. Tears welled up in her eyes. "You're back."

"Die Heart," the Daimon said, and Uranus began to mentally translate its words. "I guess I chose someone important to her. Weird, I just chose a blonde with green eyes at random." It looked to Uranus with an odd fire in its eyes. "So, since she's occupied now, shall we dance?"

"N-no!" the Senshi of Wind stammered, backing away. She looked at Neptune again. "Neptune! Snap out of it!"

Neptune smiled dreamily, grabbing the Haruka-lookalike's hand. Beginning to panic at the thought of what was happening to the Inners happening to Neptune, Uranus quickly jumped in front of her and punched her lookalike.

The Senshi of Sea rounded on her with an angry expression. "You're not my Haruka," she said, an uncharacteristic scowl gracing her features. "You punched her. You _punched _her."

"Neptune! Neptune, please snap out of it," Uranus said, staring into her blue eyes. She wrapped her arms around the Senshi of Sea, pinning her arms by her sides. When the violinist didn't respond, Uranus only knew one thing to do.

Bracing herself for the pain she knew she would receive if Neptune reacted negatively, she sucked in a deep breath and kissed her.

After a few seconds, she let the Senshi of Sea go. Neptune had frozen to the spot, staring at her.

"Neptune?" she ventured.

She blinked a few times. "So that's what kissing a Daimon feels like," she said. "I'm sorry, Uranus. I don't know what came over me."

"And they say you're supposed to be the one with the power to see through illusions," Uranus mumbled. "Let's kick ass."

"DEEP SUBMERGE!" Neptune immediately cried, shooting a great ball of blue light toward the enemy Daimon, who screamed. The Inners all stared at the Outers once they were released from the Let's Dancing attack.

"Did... did Neptune say Haruka-san's name?" Mars asked.

"She did," Venus confirmed.

They all looked at each other.

"Is Neptune..." Mercury began.

"I bet she's Haruka-san's version of my sempai!" Jupiter suggested.

"Haruka-san liked girls?" Moon asked naively.

They all turned to stare at her.

"You couldn't tell?" Mars said, blinking. "It was so obvious that she was in love with Michiru-san."

"Sailor Moon!" Uranus called. "Now!"

"Oh... yes!"

After the Daimon had been killed, Uranus and Neptune said, "Bye."

"Wait!" Moon cried.

"What now?" Uranus asked irritably. "Are you going to keep us after every battle like this? Next time, are you going to invite us for tea?"

"N-no," the Senshi of the Moon stammered. "It's just that... we're all wondering... Neptune, was your dance partner Haruka-san?"

"Um." Neptune was taken aback by the question. "That's... personal."

"So it was!"

"I'm not saying either way," she said after some thought. "Let's just say that Uranus here managed to snap me out of it." She smiled at her partner. The Inners all glanced at the violin-Daimon Uranus.

"So, Uranus, we didn't know that you were in a relationship with Neptune." Venus smirked, sliding over to her.

"W-what?" If Uranus had been in her normal body, she would have been blushing, something she only did when she was very embarrassed. "That's personal."

"We saw you kissing," Mars said dryly. "I think that counts as a declaration of love."

"So, Neptune," the Senshi of Love started, and Neptune looked at her, "what does it feel like to kiss a Daimon?"

Uranus and Neptune shared a significant look before they turned around. "Bye," they said simultaneously, and took off running.

* * *

"So... Kaolinite... you're saying that Sailor Uranus is in the body of one of our Daimons?" Professor Tomoe asked before laughing hysterically. "This is perfect!"

"Indeed," Kaolinite agreed. "So we are to enact the plan?"

"Yes, Kaolinite. We have changed from plan A, find the Talismans by brute force, to plan B..." He laughed wildly, glasses shining in the darkness.

"Of course, Professor. Will we need a Daimon for this?"

"Yes, Kaolinite. Yes. I will create a Daimon for you to use as a distraction!" He gently grabbed a nearby Daimon egg. "Daimon, find something of this 'Haruka' that Neptune spoke of! Go, and do not fail me!" He released it, and it soared out of the underground laboratory and into the sky.

He turned to Kaolinite and they both laughed.

* * *

"I'm exhausted," Uranus said as they entered the apartment. "And I'm tired of having to climb through the window." She detransformed, then walked over to Michiru, sitting down next to her on the couch.

Michiru didn't say anything.

"Michiru?" she asked, running her one hand down the length of the violinist's back. The violinist shivered, then looked at her.

"You broke the promise," she said, staring at the displaced racer.

"I had to," Haruka sighed. "I don't know if I can still use World Shaking in this body, and I don't know how to use any of the Daimon's attacks. I had to save you to beat the Daimon."

Michiru looked away. "I'm sorry for being so weak. I know being in the body of a Daimon must be harder for you than it is for me. But when I saw you... or your lookalike, I just..."

She found herself unable to finish, trailing off weakly.

"Michiru." Haruka lowered her arm, encircling the violinist's waist. "Michiru. It'll be all right. We'll get through this."

"Thank you, Haruka." She stood up. "Are you hungry?"

"No, I haven't been hungry since I woke up in this body," Haruka said truthfully. "I don't need to use the bathroom either."

Michiru smiled. "Well, just in case, I'll go make us some tea."

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the teapot.

Everything turned red.

* * *

imjce: Thanks for your reviews! You had me cracking up when I read them. I think Michiru is either denying the fact that she slept with a Daimon or it just hasn't hit her yet. Maybe it's the fridge horror trope. Oh, and instead of walking violins, you see walking guitars here in Texas. So yes, a walking violin would be weird where I come from.

As usual, reviews are much appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I really do wish I owned Uranus and Neptune. God, would I have some uses for them.

* * *

"Haruka!" Michiru yelled, startled by the sudden red light surrounding her. Then, as quickly as it had changed, the light was back to normal.

"What?" Haruka asked from behind her, holding a laser pointer in her one hand. "Sorry, I was just testing out a new laser pointer one of the guys gave me at work..." She trailed off. "Michiru?"

"Yes?" the violinist asked, heart still pounding.

"How am I going to race if I'm trapped in a Daimon's body?"

"That's a good question," Michiru said, resting her fingers on her chin. "Call in sick."

The displaced racer sighed. "I guess so. I still want to go, though..."

"Because the guys at work will find absolutely nothing odd about a walking violin wearing a tight, ill-fitting fire suit and racing. Yes, Haruka," Michiru said sarcastically, eyes lidded. "Tea?"

"Whatever, and no thank you." Haruka shook her head until another thought hit her. "How am I going to go to school?"

"Call in sick. It'll fit with your story at work. I'll bring your homework to you, since I do live with you and all."

A smirk pulled at the corner of Haruka's lips. "Michiru, what would I do without you?"

"Run. A lot." Michiru poured herself a cup of tea and began to walk into the living room, Haruka following her. They both sat down on their much-abused couch, the violinist quietly drinking her tea.

"Michiru?" Haruka ventured.

"Yes?"

"Is it, er, a bit weird for you when you talk to me now?" she asked. "I mean, you are talking to a Daimon and all..."

Michiru put her now-empty cup down. "Yes, it's slightly odd, but it's nothing I can't get over. After all," she smirked, "you look almost exactly like you normally would."

"Oh." Haruka nodded, and then the last part of her lover's sentence registered. "Hey! Why you..." And then, not even knowing what she was saying, the words came out. "I'll take your Pure Heart!"

Michiru froze, henshin stick quickly materializing in her hand. She looked at Haruka uncertainly. "Haruka, what're you saying?"

Haruka clapped her hand over her mouth. "I-I don't know," she admitted, startled. "But for a moment there, I wanted nothing more than to take your Pure Heart..."

"It must be the Daimon body," Michiru said. "Plus, you haven't acted like a Daimon before, so maybe it only happens when you get irritated?"

Unconvinced, Haruka stared at her. "But what about those other times when I was irritated at Sailor Moon-tachi?"

"I don't know. Ara, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands." Michiru tapped her chin thoughtfully. "One that I really don't want to explore any further."

"Me either, but since I'm trapped in this body, I have the feeling that we're going to find out more whether we like it or not." Haruka sighed again.

* * *

"That should do it," Kaolinite murmured. "So Kaioh Michiru is Sailor Neptune... how interesting! Then by association, Tenoh Haruka must have been Sailor Uranus. So that's who Sailor Neptune was talking about..." She set the video recorder to record for a few hours, then went to go make herself some coffee and to tell Professor Tomoe who Sailor Neptune was. "Tenoh Haruka, Sailor Uranus, all of your secrets will be revealed to the Death Busters in time... well, they would, if Plan B wasn't in effect," she added. "Since Plan B moves too quickly for many secrets to be revealed..."

She sighed and started to drink her coffee, walking into the laboratory where she could hear maniacal laughter starting already. What was the Professor doing now?

"Hello, Professor," she said, causing him to turn around and stare at her behind his shiny glasses.

"Hello, Kaolinite. How goes the enactment of Plan B?" he asked, mouth curving into a grin. She smiled politely at him.

"I am gathering information with the recorder right now, Professor. I will review it tonight, when Sailor Uranus is asleep. I am sure we will have the information we need by tomorrow."

"Good, Kaolinite. The Daimon has found and implanted itself into one of Tenoh Haruka's possessions. I'm sure that since Neptune—"

"Professor," she interrupted. "I have discovered who Sailor Neptune is through the recorder."

"Oh?" he said, and began to laugh again. "And who is she?"

"She is Kaioh Michiru, the famous violinist." Her mouth curved into an evil smirk.

"Kaioh Michiru... then by association, Sailor Uranus must be Tenoh Haruka." His laughter grew louder now. She chuckled a little.

"Tenoh Haruka also had a Talisman, Professor."

His glasses glinted furiously in the darkness. "Really! That does explain a lot..." He turned away and pushed his glasses up. "I will talk to Mistress Nine, then, and if she approves, I will modify Plan B into Plan C!"

* * *

Upstairs, Hotaru wondered why her father enjoyed laughing so much.

* * *

_Daimon. _The voice rang through the Daimon's mind and it recognized the voice as that of the Professor.

_Scar, _the Daimon replied.

_Do not manifest yourself just yet if Uranus or Neptune touch the handkerchief. We are awaiting Mistress Nine's approval of Plan C. Once we get her approval, you may attack when they touch your host._

_Scar, _the Daimon said again.

_Good. I will tell you when she approves it._

_Scar._

_

* * *

_

"I didn't have any dreams last night," Michiru said when they got up. "That's odd. I suppose that must mean there are no Daimon attacks today."

"So Kaioh Michiru can foresee Daimon attacks through her dreams," Kaolinite said. "Perfect..."

"That's odd. It's a nice change of pace, though," Haruka said happily. "It's nice to get a semi-normal day once in a while."

"It is," the violinist agreed. "As normal as you can get when your partner is a walking violin."

If Haruka had had eyebrows, she would have raised one. "Why do you keep bringing that up?" she asked.

"I'm trying to accept it. It's hard, you know."

"Ah." Haruka nodded sagely. "I bet it's not as hard as it is for me to resist the urge to take your Pure Heart."

Michiru's eyes snapped to her and her henshin stick materialized. "Haruka!" she said, ready to transform.

Haruka laughed. "I'm just kidding!" she said. "Did you really think..."

She was cut off by a smack to the back of her head.

"That hurt!" she complained. "I want you to touch me gently!"

"When you get back into your body, maybe. After you spend a night on the couch for joking about that," Michiru said playfully. Haruka looked dismayed.

"Oi, oi. I'm sorry..." she apologized. "Come on, Michiru."

"I'm going to go take a shower." With that, Michiru walked off into the bathroom, leaving the grumbling violin to her pain.

* * *

"Souichi." Mistress Nine's voice cut through the silence. "You keep changing plans."

"It's only because we are adjusting them as new information about Uranus and Neptune come in, Mistress." He bowed deeply. "I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused."

"You're lucky I have enough strength to manifest myself in this body like this." The young body the alien was in looked about the room full of lamps. "I offer my approval. Go, and do not fail me."

* * *

imjce: I was thinking that Daimon bodies are self-sufficient, since it would be most efficient for them seeing as they're grown soldiers. The perfect soldier wouldn't need to eat or use the bathroom and would be able to fight all day. That was my reasoning at least.

Mantaray: Michiru's trying to skip past the stages after Denial and go straight to Acceptance. I'm not sure if it's working, though.

Petiyaka: Usagi's pretty refreshing to write after talking about Haruka and Michiru all day!

As usual, please review. I do a happy dance when I get reviews. And everyone loves happy dances.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Kaolinite is fun to torture. And I guess I don't own Sailor Moon.

* * *

Kaolinite cheerfully turned her computer on, eager to see what secrets the Outers had accidentally revealed about themselves the night before. She drank a cup of coffee while Windows ME started up and when she was finished with that one she went to go make another. When she came back, her desktop was staring at her.

"That was fast," she commented, but sat down anyway and opened the file up. Grinning in anticipation, she opened the file up, ready to see all of their secrets.

They were eating dinner. Exciting. Or at least Michiru was; Haruka seemed to be abstaining from food. Kaolinite guessed it was because Daimons had no need to eat.

Overall, it was boring.

They weren't even talking.

Kaolinite could see absolutely no secrets hidden here. Scowling just a teeny bit, she clicked the fast-forward button, stopping right before they went to bed. Surely, she figured, they must talk before they go to bed. What manner of secrets would be hidden... wait a minute. What was THAT?

A visible blush crossed the stoic witch's cheeks as she saw more of Sailor Neptune than she ever wanted to see. Why, of all times, had they gotten the urge to do it when one of them was a DAIMON, for Pharaoh Ninety's sake?

The sight was really rather traumatic for the very heterosexual witch. She fervently prayed to the master that she would not have to see this again.

It was like a car accident. Horrifying, but she couldn't take her eyes off of it. She continued to watch until... until...

She cringed when she saw Michiru's face upon...

She couldn't even finish that thought. She was a prude, damn it. She shouldn't have been exposed to this. Why, oh why, hadn't she assigned one of the Witches Five to watch it?

Hitting Alt+F4, she closed out of the file. She stood up, walked to the nearest bathroom, and threw up.

When she walked out of the bathroom, she shook her head in an attempt to clear the images from her head. She only succeded in being further reminded of it. Who USED a violin bow like that, anyway?

* * *

"That was different," Michiru commented when they got up. Haruka looked at her with no small concern.

"Yes, but did you like it?" she asked, causing Kaolinite to scream, "NO!"

Pulling on a robe, Michiru eyed her lover. "You know, I never knew you were so creative. That certainly was an interesting use for your bow-hand."

"It was, wasn't it?" the displaced racer said, trying to puff her violin chest out and failing miserably. "I didn't know this body could bend that way either."

The violinist shook her head. "I don't know what I was thinking... first I have sex with a Daimon in your body, then I have sex with you in a Daimon's body..." She sighed and sat down. "I bet it was the wine from last night."

Haruka was very silent. Then she said, "You had sex with the Daimon thinking it was me?"

* * *

"NO! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Kaolinite yelled.

* * *

Michiru laughed nervously, looking up at the violin-Daimon. "I thought you were saying 'Octave' over and over because you wanted to be the Daimon that night."

Haruka scoffed. "I don't think I would want to be the Daimon. You're too good of one."

Michiru looked pointedly at the violin Haruka was currently sporting as a torso.

"...oh. Right," Haruka said. "I am a Daimon."

Then Michiru smiled. "That was a good roleplay, though. I really got into it."

* * *

Kaolinite had now gone to puke a second time. Lifting her head from the toilet, she mumbled, "Daimons should not be used for that purpose."

"Kaolinite-sama? What's wrong?" Mimete walked into the bathroom with a cheerful smile. "Does this have anything to do with that Plan C you and Tomoe-sensei have been talking about?"

Kaolinite gave her student a scathing look. "Yes, Mimete-kun." A thought hit her. "Once I'm done in here, I need you to gather the rest of the Witches Five for me in the boardroom. Thanks."

Mimete blinked, then nodded eagerly. "Yes, Kaolinite-sama! Of course!" As she walked away, Kaolinite could hear the redheaded girl chattering to herself about promotions.

She stood up, brushed herself off, and walked to the boardroom. The Witches Five were already gathered there, waiting for her.

She sucked in a deep breath, still feeling slightly nauseous, and began to lay out Plan C for them.

* * *

Haruka was doing homework when she heard Michiru hiss, "Itai!"

She was at her lover's side instantly. "Michiru. What's wrong?"

Michiru held up her perfect hand, then pointed to a small line of red on the pad of her finger. "Paper cut," she explained.

"Don't you just hate those?" the displaced racer murmured. "Here." She grabbed a nearby piece of fabric to wipe the blood off with.

"Scar."

They both froze.

"Haruka? Don't move," Michiru said, looking over the racer's shoulder. Her henshin stick materialized in her hand.

* * *

_Okay, you've landed. Their apartment is on the forty-eighth floor, _Professor Tomoe said through a receiver in Kaolinite's ear. _You need to hurry before they kill the Daimon._

Kaolinite looked at the five witches sitting in the back. "Come on," she said. They all jumped out and ran into the rooftop aquarium.

* * *

Sailor Neptune aimed a flying kick at the monster, knocking its mask off. Haruka ran out of the way, raised her henshin stick high, and yelled, "URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!"

Uranus punched the Daimon's _normal _torso—why couldn't she have gotten stuck in that one instead? No, she mused, she had to get stuck in the one Daimon that had a violin for a torso. Sure, Michiru liked it, as far as Haruka could tell (but then again, the displaced racer wasn't the one with the music fetish), but it was so incredibly bulky. She had to have Michiru pull her through the window every time they came back from senshi business. It was frustrating.

The Daimon flew back into her dresser, eliciting a loud crack. The Senshi of Wind cringed. She'd have to replace that later. What did it matter now, though? She was a violin.

The Daimon grinned, opening its cloak. Tentacles shot out of its torso—okay, so maybe the torso wasn't _normal—_and wrapped themselves around Neptune before Uranus could react, pressing her against a wall. Neptune immediately readied a Deep Submerge, but before she could attack the tentacles wrapped around her further, pinning her arms to her sides.

"Neptune!" Uranus yelled. She ran at the Daimon, fist cocked. The Daimon glanced at her and swiftly dodged, shooting out another tentacle. This one wrapped itself around her fist as it shot out, trying to catch the monster. She was caught off-balance and inadvertently tripped. "Shimatta," she whispered.

She jumped up quickly, trying to shake her fist free.

After a few seconds of futile shaking, she growled and launched a kick. The Daimon seemed to have predicted this as it immediately shot out a tentacle, grabbing her ankle.

"Damn you," she said, lifting her bow-hand high. "WORLD..."

Another tentacle forced her bow-hand down.

"Uranus!" Neptune yelled.

"Damn..." Uranus struggled against the numerous tentacles for a few seconds until a word popped into her head. She filled her lungs with air, and in the most annoying voice she could make, she yelled, "OCTAVE!"

"Scar!" the Daimon yelped in pain as all of its tentacles retracted, hands flying to cover its ears. She grinned at the Senshi of Sea.

"Let's go, Neptune."

Then someone spoke. "Not so fast," the familiar voice said. "You're valuable to us, Sailor Uranus. Or shall I say, Tenoh Haruka!"

"Who's there?" she asked, turning around and readying another blast of the violin-daimon's attack. Kaolinite and five girls that looked oddly like certain students at Mugen stood in formation, aiming something that looked vaguely like a gun at them.

"Captured!" one of the girls, a redhead, shouted. They all fired, and the world went dark.

* * *

Mantaray: The struggles of adapting to their new lifestyle have only started. *evil laughter*

Dawnlight-6: Thanks for your comment! This is my first time trying anything approaching humor with a Haruka/Michiru fic. I'm glad to know that it's been so well-received! I'm not a very funny person in real life, actually. I'm quite serious and stoic. Oh well.

Petiyaka: You'll see. *more evil laughter*


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, there would be less of the sailor fuku. Also, shortest chapter yet! But a plot-relevant one.

* * *

"Haruka-san, are you familiar with the saying 'the body controls the mind'?"

The displaced racer was silent.

"Well?"

She looked at the professor and said as clearly as she could through the gag, "Go fuck yourself."

His irritating grin only seemed to grow wider. "Michiru-san told me that the saying was actually 'the mind controls the body.' Interesting, isn't it?"

He turned away from her. Haruka tugged at the bonds tying her down.

"A normal Daimon mind is actually quite innocent, as you may have seen with Octave." He gestured to the similarly-restrained Daimon, which was managing to make Haruka's body look very helpless. "This blank slate is almost like a child's, in a sense. It is impressionable." He looked back at her. "Have you ever wondered what a Daimon egg is composed of, Haruka-san?"

"No," she attempted to say. "I've only worried about destroying them."

"A Daimon egg is similar to a virus, I suppose. If the virus, after implanting itself in its host, became a live being. A Daimon egg contains the basic genetic information that will allow it to, once it gains a host, take the host as its body." His glasses glinted in the darkness. "Once it takes a host, the genetic information spreads throughout and turns into a fairly typical Daimon. A rudimentary mind is formed, though this mind only knows what its instincts tell it. Its instincts tell it to take Pure Hearts." He looked at Haruka's bored face. "If you don't like the lecture, I've got slides."

She shook her head and he took that as a gesture to continue.

"However, the genetic material isn't all that's implanted into a Daimon egg." He chuckled a bit. "There are also nanomachines inside. They are connected to our network at all times—at least where we get coverage." He chuckled and continued. "There are different types of nanomachines that serve different purposes. For example, you have a set in your eyes."

He took in her deer-in-headlights look and chuckled more. "Yes, we can see everything you see. We can even set you to record. For example, Kaolinite was telling me something about last night...?"

Her deer-in-headlights look turned into horror.

"There are also information-collecting nanomachines spread throughout your body. We implemented them in all of our Daimon eggs after the first failure. They've told us quite a lot about your attacks, Uranus."

Her horrified look turned into complete shock.

"Yes, we know about your identities. You are Sailor Uranus and Michiru-san is Sailor Neptune. We also know that you had the first Talisman."

He cleared his throat once and continued. "So! We are going to study you." He looked over his shoulder and called, "Kaolinite! Bring the serum in!"

* * *

Michiru began to thrash at her bonds as soon as the screaming started. The green-haired witch staring down at her only smirked.

"No, Kaioh-san. Don't do that unless you want me to put you under. You wouldn't want that, would you?" She chuckled and ran her fingertips across the violinist's cheek, eliciting a growl from the bluenette. "Tomoe-sensei wouldn't like it if I had to pump his little test subject," she purred the last two words, "full of drugs because she wouldn't stop resisting."

"Tellu," another witch said, walking up to them, "Tomoe-sensei wants to see you. He said something about starting our experiments..."

"Thanks, Eudial," Tellu said, smiling sweetly, and walked through a nearby door marked "Laboratory." The witch Michiru now knew to be Eudial glanced down at the violinist.

"Mmf." Michiru tried to say something but the gag was in the way. Eudial raised an eyebrow and tugged the gag down. "I... ah, I have to go to the bathroom," the violinist said uncomfortably.

* * *

"So, Tomoe-sensei, where are we going with this?" Tellu asked, looking down at the unconscious Haruka, who had passed out after the first round of tests to see how her human brain reacted to being in the Daimon's body.

Professor Tomoe laughed. "Sailor Uranus had the first Talisman."

"Yes..."

"If my guess is correct, and my guesses are usually good... I am descended from Aberforth Dumbledore, whose brother was so incredibly good at guessing that he defeated Britain's greatest evil wizard by playing 20 Questions, you know... if I'm correct, Sailor Neptune must have the second Talisman."

"Sailor Neptune?" Tellu looked at the door she had just come from. "That girl?"

"Yes... but! Sailor Uranus's Talisman has been taken, has it not? Yet she is still alive because she is in a Daimon's body. Plus she has her abilities as a Sailor Senshi, and they've combined with the natural strength of a Daimon to form a super soldier..."

"So we want to figure out how she became a Daimon, if there are any problems with it, and try and replicate the process with Neptune?" Tellu guessed.

"Precisely!" Professor Tomoe said, and they both laughed. "That will allow us to have two of the Talismans and two perfect soldiers!"

He laughed harder. "And that! Is! Plan! C!"

* * *

imjce: They hid Haruka's body under the bed, and then the Witches Five found it. Michiru probably closed her eyes tightly while she and violin-Daimon Haruka were having sex. Because violin-Daimon Haruka does sound exactly like she would if she was in her normal body, for some reason. And oh god don't remind me of two girls one cup

petiyaka: Did you ever watch Between the Lions? Because CLIFFHANGER! HANGING FROM A CLIFF! AND THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED CLIFFHANGER!

As usual, reviewing makes me a very happy writer. Though I can't guarantee this story will even begin to make sense if you review. But maybe the nonsensical part is because it's a parody... Anyway, please review! Thank you!


	8. Gaiden: Horsehair

Mantaray: You asked, I wrote it. Though I'm not sure if it's too clear.

Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, Haruka and Michiru would do this every episode. Without the Daimon form, of course.

* * *

Red Wine – Gaiden

Horsehair

"Haruka?"

The violin-shaped Senshi of Wind looked up. "Yes, Michiru?" she asked, pausing.

"Why did we agree to do this again?" the blindfolded violinist said.

Haruka looked down. "Because if I go for more than a week without touching you gently," she drew the last word out, "I'll have a mental breakdown. You know that, Michiru," she purred.

"I suppose," Michiru said, not sounding convinced.

"Besides, I've been wanting to try something..." Haruka held up her bow-hand, even though she knew Michiru couldn't see it.

"What?" Michiru sat up, lifting the corner of her blindfold, winced, then looked at Haruka. "Are you serious?"

Haruka held up a bucket of lubricant.

"You're never going to be able to get that out of the wood, you know," Michiru sighed.

"It doesn't matter, I think. Besides, if you don't like it, just tell me," the displaced racer said, putting the bucket down and fixing Michiru's blindfold. "Besides, it's not like you're going to have to see the Daimon's ugly face. It's more exciting when you can't see, don't you think?"

"I guess..." Despite her hesitancy, the violinist allowed herself to lay down again.

"It'll be fun," Haruka promised, and she grabbed the bucket of lubricant.

* * *

Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for Michiru's rather odd characterization. However, the author would like to say that Haruka acts almost exactly like her.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: If I owned Sailor Moon, the Inners wouldn't exist. Sorry, Inners. But I just don't like you guys much.

* * *

"Usagi-chan?" Makoto quietly said, causing the Senshi of the Moon to look at her.

"What's up, Mako-chan?" she asked, a friendly, innocent smile on her face.

"Well, I was thinking..." the Senshi of Thunder trailed off uncertainly, then continued, "we haven't seen Michiru-san since we went over, have we?"

The rabbit girl blinked, then thought for a few seconds. "You're right! I haven't seen her anywhere! What do you think happened to her?"

"Well," Rei piped in, "she just seemed so depressed when we went over... I hope she didn't... well, you know." She drew a line across her neck with her finger.

"Oh no! Michiru-san wouldn't do that!" Usagi shouted. "But... what if she did?"

"We should go check on her," Minako said, looking determined. "She's our good friend and she's been through a lot. We owe it to her."

"Ami-chan?" Ami looked up at Usagi, lifting her nose from her Organic Chemistry textbook.

"Yes, Usagi-chan?"

"We're going over to Michiru-san's to check on her. Want to come?"

Ami's cheeks turned a faint pink as she nodded perhaps too vigorously. "Of course, Usagi-chan." She stood up, setting her book down.

"Someone has a crush," Rei teased quietly.

"It's not like she can help it," Makoto interjected, looking at them both. "Haruka-san was just so beautiful, and Michiru-san is too. Haruka-san looked just like my sempai, too..." There were faint sparkles in her eyes as she swooned a little. "I know Minako-chan, Usagi-chan, and I fell in love with her at first glance. Ami-chan, you must be the same."

"Well I'm not in love with anyone!" Rei protested. Makoto cleared her throat.

"Don't think we haven't seen you glancing at Minako," she murmured, smirking. Rei blushed a deep red.

"You...! You're not supposed to know about that!" she whispered furiously. "According to the anime writers, I'm supposed to be in love with Usagi and Mamoru-kun!"

"Oh, is that why you say her name without any suffix?" Makoto said, surprised. "That... that actually makes a lot of sense."

"Did someone say my name?" Usagi asked, turning around.

"No, Usagi-chan," Makoto said. "We should get going, don't you think?"

"Yeah!" Usagi nodded. "Let's go, minna!"

Haruka stumbled into her cell and nearly passed out on the bed.

It had been three days since they had been captured—at least she figured it had been three days, because, for some reason, there were no windows.

Today's round of experiments had been particularly grueling. They had been wanting to test what effect her Daimon form had on her senshi powers, so they had forced her to transform. They then drew blood from her, had studied the differences between her blood when she wasn't transformed and when she was, and had isolated several new hormones that only appeared when she was transformed. They then attempted to neutralize the hormones by injecting several different chemicals in her, one of which left her hallucinating that there were walls with razor-sharp teeth closing in on her, which had caused her powerful claustrophobia to kick in and leave her a crying mess.

Overall, Haruka was terribly exhausted, and they had succeeded in neutralizing her senshi powers for a while. She couldn't even transform anymore. She figured that her lack of powers would last until the drugs wore off.

She wondered what they were doing to Michiru.

* * *

The aforementioned woman was trying to figure out if she could summon enough power to break the handcuffs.

Professor Tomoe had been muttering something about neutralizing her senshi powers and was currently turned around, preparing a vial of... something.

Michiru wondered what kind of substance was colored bright pink.

The glass broke and she saw a small round object fly into the air.

"Go, my Daimon, and implant yourself in..." Tomoe looked around. "Something that we're not using! It really doesn't matter!" He laughed wildly.

The Daimon egg flew into Kaolinite's computer, which was sitting on a desk nearby. Tomoe walked over and touched it lightly, and then there was a flash of light.

"PORNO!" the Daimon shouted, and Michiru's face turned cherry red.

Tomoe blinked, then began to laugh maniacally. "This is PERFECT! It will distract random civilians from noticing that we're taking Pure Hearts! Mwahahahahaha!"

He was referring, of course, to the Daimon's head, which was shaped rather like...

Michiru cut that line of thought very firmly until the Daimon turned around, and she saw that it had breasts instead of a normal rear.

"Porno!" the Daimon shouted happily, staring at Tomoe.

"Or wait... maybe this will scar the children..." the professor mused, thinking. "Ah, who cares? It's distracting!" He began to laugh again.

The porn Daimon walked over to the barely-conscious violin Daimon in Haruka's body, peering at it curiously. "Porno?" it asked.

"Octave," the violin-Daimon managed to whisper.

"Porno."

"Octave."

"I think those two are going to get along just fine," Tomoe said almost lovingly. He looked at Michiru. "Now for you..." He held up a syringe. "Don't worry, you won't be having hallucinations like Haruka-san did. I've already tested these out on her."

He looked at her handcuffs, which were glowing blue by now, tutted once, and said, "I'd really like to keep you awake for this so I could write down all of your reactions, but it'll be easier if I simply knock you out." He wiggled the syringe. "Don't worry, I've stuck a local anesthetic in here. You'll be out for most of it."

The last thing she saw before closing her eyes was the porn-Daimon's face, staring down at her curiously.

* * *

When Usagi and the others arrived at Michiru's apartment, the first thing they noticed was that the door was broken down.

"Oh no!" Usagi yelled. "A burglar broke in and kidnapped Michiru-san!" She started crying.

"I don't think it was a burglar. I think it was more than one," Ami said, looking at what remained of the door. "See, this is a reinforced door. I don't think one person alone could break this down."

"Let's go inside," they all said simultaneously, and they walked in.

Rei closed her eyes and began to chant in the living room.

"Someone evil has been here." She looked down and grabbed a piece of fabric. "See? There's a black star here."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Minako asked curiously.

Rei sighed. "You know, for the leader of the team, you sure don't notice a lot of details... all of the Daimons we've fought have had black stars on them. The enemy has obviously been here."

"Here! Let me see that fabric," Ami said, holding a hand out to take it. With her other hand, she pulled the Mercury Computer from nowhere. "This was sold to one Arimura Yuko, who lives... in the dormitories of the school Mugen Gakuen!" She looked up urgently. "We should investigate!"

* * *

Professor Tomoe was surprised that Michiru hadn't been the first to collapse into a sobbing heap. Maybe there was more to the girl than met the eye.

Everyone: You are now scarred for life by the thought of violin-Daimon Haruka and porn-Daimon Michiru getting it on.

Mantaray: You're welcome! I had some extra time on my hands, so I figured, "why not?"

WindChaser001: I'll go get the smelling salts! Hold on!

James Birdsong: Thanks!

Petiyaka: Michiru wasn't convinced until Haruka started.

As usual, reviewing makes me a happy geek, so if you enjoy this (or even if you don't enjoy it), please review! Criticism is always appreciated.


	10. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I make this up as I go. Can you tell? Also, as a special treat, we now have chapter titles and a preview for the next chapter!

* * *

Nine. Cloudcuckoolander

"Moon Power! Turn me into a Mugen student!" Usagi cried, brandishing the Luna Pen. There was a flash and she was clothed in the burgundy uniform of the academy. "Okay, minna, I'll go find out where the dorms are!"

"Hurry!" Ami shouted, surprising everyone. "I'm... worried about Michiru-san." She blushed a little, causing Rei to cough into her fist and mutter something.

"Yeah!" Usagi said, then ran into the academy. She looked around, then spotted a teacher standing nearby.

"Um, ma'am, today is my first day. Could you please tell me where the dorms are?" she asked sweetly, trying to look as innocent as possible. The teacher looked at her and blinked.

"Sure. You'll exit the building and take a left, and the girls' dorms are over there." The teacher smiled at her, reminding Usagi of her grandmother. "Have a good day, now. Don't get into any trouble."

"Yes! Thank you!" Usagi said happily, cheerfully waving to the woman as she left. The teacher began to laugh as she watched the girl go.

"I think that one has a Pure Heart... she may have the third Talisman..."

* * *

"I believe someone is holding out on the Three of Hearts..." Professor Tomoe said, a smile not on his face for once as he stared down intently at his hand of cards.

"Oh! It's me! I'll discard!" Mimete announced, then placed the card down.

"Thank you," Tomoe said.

"Pass," Kaolinite said. "Mimete, discard the Five of Hearts, would you?"

"Kaolinite-sempai, isn't the world of gambling very severe?" asked the orange-haired witch.

"You're stingy..."

"It's my turn, isn't it?" Viluy murmured, then placed a card down. "Porno," she giggled a little as she said the name, "you were holding out on this one, weren't you?"

"Porno," the porn Daimon said. "Porno Porno."

"Well," Viluy said with a smirk, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The porn Daimon nodded. "Porno."

Tomoe sighed. "Porno, would you calm down?"

"Porno?" the porn Daimon blinked.

"It's just a game," Kaolinite said calmly.

"Yeah, let's have fun!" Mimete shouted, throwing her cards up in the air.

"Pass."

"Octave."

"I'll pass," Tellu said. Octave stared at her.

"Octave!" it shouted.

Tellu looked up and down the body the Daimon was in. "I'll discard them if you go on a date with me," she said, chuckling.

"Octave!"

"No!"

* * *

"I wonder when they're going to come back," Eudial sighed. "This is boring."

She yawned once and looked at Michiru, who was tied up behind her.

"Do you know how interesting watching you is? It's about as interesting as pulling a splinter out from my finger," the red-haired witch said. "I mean, really, it's—"

_BOOM._

Michiru's handcuffs fell to the floor as she lightly rubbed her wrists. Reaching up, she pulled the gag off, brandished her henshin stick, and flatly said, "Neptune Planet Power, Make Up."

"Oh shit," Eudial said, grabbing the prototype Fire Buster. "You—how-how'd you do that?"

"Easy," Neptune said coldly. "I focused." Without warning, she shot a Deep Submerge at the witch, who was knocked out.

The Senshi of Sea reached down, grabbing a keychain from the witch's belt, and ran into the hallway.

She would need Haruka's help to get the Space Sword back; that much she knew. Tomoe would probably have some sort of guard around it. They would grab it, grab Haruka's body, and escape.

Simple enough.

She read the room labels as she passed the doors. Men's Bathroom, Women's Bathroom, Twister Room, Computer Lab, Laboratory...

She stopped in front of the door labeled Cells, using a key to unlock it. She walked in, only to be greeted with another hallway.

Did these people really keep that many prisoners?

She unlocked them all, one by one, just to see what was inside. A very pale man, a dog, a Mary Sue, and finally...

She smiled as she opened the door to reveal Haruka.

"Haruka."

"Michiru?" The racer stood up quickly. "Michi, Michi, Michi," she sang, grinning widely at her lover, then muttered something about some city named R'lyeh. "Michi, Michi, I made a friend!" she shouted cheerfully.

"Haruka...?" Michiru couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Are you... all right?"

Haruka giggled—she _giggled—_and said, "Never been better! So do you wanna meet my friend?"

"Oh dear. What did they do to you?" the violinist asked, then sighed. "Who's your friend?"

"His name is Giant Red Tentacle Monster Who Comes From a Distant Star!" Haruka shouted excitedly. "You should have seen the look on Tomoe's face when he introduced us! He was soooooooo happy!"

"Haruka, would you be a dear and transform?" Neptune asked, hoping that the transformation would snap her out of it.

"Sure! Uranus Planet Power, Make Up!"

Neptune wondered why there were sparkles when Haruka transformed.

Uranus grabbed Neptune's arm and chattered, "So do you wanna meet him? I'm sure he'd like you!"

"No... no thanks, Uranus," the Senshi of Sea murmured. "Come on. We should get out of here."

"He even taught me a cool phrase! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" Uranus yelled as they started walking. "He told me that the phrase is about his uncle! Isn't that awesome, Michi?"

"Sure," Neptune agreed, then spotted something. "Uranus, wait here. I'll be right back."

"YOU!" Neptune growled, grabbing Tomoe by the collar. "Whatever the hell you did to Haruka, I want it undone. NOW!"

"The drugs will wear off in about a day," Tomoe said, smiling. "I won the card game."

"I. Don't. Care!" Neptune hissed. "Reverse it!"

"Well," Tomoe suddenly added, "the drugs will wear off. The madness won't."

"AND WHY IS THAT?"

"Michi, I saw him through a telescope and he looked at me and waved!" Haruka said, walking up behind Michiru. "My friend!"

"And there you have it! Master Pharaoh Ninety has looked at her!" Tomoe said, grin widening. "He induces madness in everything he looks at!"

Neptune saw red, pressed Tomoe up against a wall,pressed her hand to his head and screamed, "DEEP! SUBMERGE!"

Tomoe's head exploded.

Then another head appeared where his old one had been.

"You can't kill me that easily," he said. "Because I am the most powerful Daimon of all!"

He ripped open his shirt, revealing a disgustingly hairy chest and a black star.

"I am Germatoid!" he yelled, cackling. "And I have discovered that you, Sailor Neptune, have the second Talisman!"

"What?" she said, shocked.

"I have also discovered how your partner became a Daimon! So after I take your Talisman, you will become one of my Daimons as well!" His cackles grew louder. "Now, Haruka, take her Pure Heart!"

The displaced racer gasped. "Does that mean she's going to become friends with Giant Red Tentacle Monster too?"

"Of course!"

Neptune looked between the two. "Haruka. Don't do it, Haruka."

"Okay!"

"Do it, Haruka!" Germatoid said.

"Okay!"

"Don't do it."

"Okay!"

A new voice cut in. "Stop wasting time! I'll do it!" Eudial appeared, holding a gun full of pink liquid.

They all looked at her. Neptune took the opportunity to fire a Deep Submerge at the black star on Germatoid's ugly chest.

Germatoid immediately fell down, dead.

The Senshi of Wind looked at him. "Is he sleeping?" she asked.

"No time for that! Uranus, let's go!" Neptune grabbed Uranus's bow-hand and ran off to find the Space Sword.

"Well, this sucks," Eudial said, staring down at the dead professor.

* * *

Next time! On Red Wine!

Mistress Nine does something! The Aqua Mirror is revealed! (maybe.) Haruka has really weird mood swings! And Michiru is slowly losing her mind thanks to Haruka's inane chatter!

Red Wine!

The light of the moon is love's message.

* * *

Everyone: Unfortunately, I start classes again on Monday. (I'm an English major.) So please don't be surprised if I fail to update every day like I have so far.

WindChaser0001: Well, my thought process when creating that Daimon basically went as follows: _I need a new Daimon. It has to be different. I'm lazy, so I'm going to use something I mentioned before. Kaolinite's computer. It has that video of Haruka and Michiru getting it on. Porno._

Dawnlight-6: Daimons do have strange tastes, and are very suggestible.

James Birdsong: Be sure to clean behind your ears while you're at it.

Petiyaka: Yes, a porn Daimon. What else would Kaolinite do on that computer, work?


	11. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: The author would like to apologize for not updating yesterday, but Ubuntu decided to break down on her, leaving her scrambling to recover her documents. Good news is, she managed to recover all of them. Bad news, her laptop isn't exactly very stable anymore because she went and installed Maverick alpha 3.

And I really do wish I owned Sailor Moon. I really do.

* * *

Ten. MacGuffin Delivery Service

"Michi," Uranus whined, pulling on the Senshi of Sea's arm, "are we there yet?"

"No, Uranus," Neptune growled, teeth clenched as she dragged the Senshi of Wind behind her. "We are not there yet."

"Aww. I wanted to introduce you to Giant Red Tentacle Monster—" Michiru's hand quickly muffled her before she could get the rest of Pharaoh Ninety's nickname out. "Mmmf. Mmf."

"Ssh. Quiet. I think the rest of them are in this room. They may have the Space Sword hidden in there," Neptune whispered. Uranus grinned widely.

"All right, Michi!" Biting her lip, a sly look passed over her face before she randomly tackled her lover, hugging her tightly. Neptune let out a small "eep!" of surprise before she toppled over, crashing to the ground.

"Whatdidyoudothatfor?" she demanded quickly, trying her hardest to get the Senshi of Wind off of her. However, as Uranus was currently a giant violin, it was slightly difficult.

"I luuuurve you!" the displaced senshi squealed into her ear, hugging the Senshi of Sea's neck tightly. "And I luuuurve Giant Red Tentacle Monster Who Comes From a Distant Star!"

"No—Haruka—get—off!" Neptune choked out. "You're—suffocating—me!" Her hands flew to the one wrapped around her neck, trying to pry her lover's fingers away. There was an odd gurgling sound in her throat as her head slumped, hitting the ground with a quiet _thud._

"Michi?" Uranus asked when her partner stopped responding. She hopped off of Neptune's body, looking down at her still face and poking her cheek.

"Ugh..." Neptune murmured as her eyes fluttered. Uranus grinned widely.

"Hey! Daimon!"

Uranus stood up, looking at the five newcomers curiously. "Oh, Sailor Moon-tachi!" She sprang forward, running to hug them. Moon immediately recoiled, looking at the violin Daimon curiously. "It's terrible! I was hugging Michi-koi and then she stopped responding! Could you pleeeeeeeee..." she took a deep breath, "...eeeeeeeease fix her?"

"Michi-koi?" Mercury asked curiously, pulling her computer out of her ass and beginning to type furiously. "Wait, this is Sailor Uranus!"

"Uranus?" Mars asked, peering curiously at her. "Um, what happened to you?"

"I met Giant Red Tentacle Monster Who Comes From a Distant Star!" Uranus screamed.

The Inners all looked at each other.

"So, what's your civilian name?" Jupiter asked, wondering if Uranus would reveal it in such a state.

"I'm Tenoh Haruka!" Uranus shouted, pointing to herself. "And that's Kaioh Michiru-koi!"

"Haruka-san?" Moon shouted. "You're not dead!" she squealed, rushing forward to hug the displaced senshi. "What happened to you?"

"I don't know! But I'm friends with Giant Red Tentacle Monster Who Comes From a Distant Star!" She threw her arms up in the air. "He'll be here soon, and he'll be our friend!"

"Yay! New friends!" Sailor Moon yelled, throwing her arms up into the air along with Uranus.

"Um, Sailor Moon." Odango Atama looked over at Mercury. "My scanner indicates that she's... erm, mentally insane."

"No! Not Haruka-san!" Sailor Moon gasped, pulling the Rod of Love out of nowhere like she usually did. "We can fix her, minna!"

"And that she can only be cured when the three Talismans... whatever those are... are brought together."

"Oh," Moon said disappointedly, putting the Rod of Love back underneath her skirt. "So what're you doing?"

"We're trying to get the Space Sword back," Neptune said, having woken up a few seconds before.

"Yeah!" Uranus nodded excitedly. "And Tomoe or Germatoid or whatever said that Michi-koi has the second Talisman!"

Neptune cringed. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... wait, you called me Michi-koi."

Uranus turned to grin widely at her lover. "Don't worry, Nepu-Nepu-Neptune! They know!" She gave an A-OK sign to the Senshi of the Sea, who had begun to look rather panicked.

"You told them?" she said, rounding on Uranus. "What else are you going to do, tell them all about our relationship?"

"That's a good idea!" Uranus turned back to the Inners. "She likes it when I play with her boobies," she whispered.

There was a moment of silence, and then Mars said loudly, "Someone, please, cut to commercial break."

* * *

Mistress Nine, not looking very intimidating in the body of a little girl, turned to the Witches Five and said, "We have one Talisman. We know where the second is. And I believe I have an idea as to where the third might be."

"Where, Mistress?" Viluy said respectfully, bowing her head as Nine looked at her.

"If there is an Uranus and Neptune, there must be a Pluto as well," she surmised. "And I have the feeling that this Pluto must have the last Talisman."

"Mistress, with all due respect, I thought that Pluto wasn't a planet any—" Kaolinite was interrupted by Nine's glare, and as she stared into Nine's purple eyes, she was suddenly disentigrated.

"I do not care that some lowly human scientists believe that it isn't a planet," she said to Kaolinite's ashes. "Saturn has already been spoken for, so it must be Pluto who has the last Talisman."

"But how are we going to—" Eudial was unable to get the last words out before she, too, was disentigrated.

"No one asks such disrespectful questions," Nine told the red-haired witch's ashes. "She will come to us in time."

She smiled, looking completely adorable, and whispered, "In time."

* * *

Pluto blinked, staring at the Door of Time.

"I feel a great disturbance in the timeline," she whispered, garnet eyes narrowed. "As if a thousand readers suddenly cried out in terror at a lame pop-cultural reference made for cheap laughs and were suddenly silenced."

She turned away from the Door, peering out into the mist. "I feat something terrible has happened. I must investigate this."

With a small _pop_, she disappeared.

The Door was silent for a moment until it opened, revealing a small pink-haired child.

"Puu, I'm heeere!" she yelled.

There was a minute of silence.

"Puu?"

* * *

"So, er, Neptune, are you sure you're feeling all right after taking such a nasty fall?" Mercury said, concerned about her colleague's health.

"I'm FINE," Neptune snapped. "This is, what, the twelfth time you've asked me this?"

"No, the tenth," the Senshi of Water mumbled. "Anyway, I apologize, but I'm simply concerned."

"Scan me with that computer you have or something," Neptune growled. "I'm sorry for being so grumpy, but someone! chose! to! jump! on! me!" She looked at Uranus, who was busy dancing like a maniac. She glanced at Moon. "Sailor Moon, we should get going. We need to get the Space Sword back."

"Yes! You're right!" Moon said cheerfully. "Let's go, minna!"

Before they could move, the door nearby burst open, and the Witches Four marched into the room, followed by a little girl.

"Aww!" Moon's squeal broke the brief silence. "You're so cuuute!" She ran over to the little girl, picking her up and hugging her.

"No! I demand that you put me down!" Nine screamed, pushing the Senshi of the Moon away. "Put me down now, mortal, or you will suffer the consequences!"

"Okay!" Moon chirped, gently placing Nine back down. Nine hissed at her, smoothing down her dress.

"Sailor Neptune," she said, "we have come to take your Talisman! Normally, we would let you live in a Daimon body, but since Germatoid is dead and we have no plans, prototypes, or backups, we are unable to do that! So we'll simply take your Pure Heart!"

"No! You can't do that!" Moon stepped in front of Neptune. "I won't let you! But everyone's deserving of forgiveness! I forgive you for the fact that you're about to kill one of my good friends!"

"She won't do that. Not while I'm alive."

Everyone turned to face the newcomer.

"Sailor Pluto!" Moon shouted, running over to her and leaving Neptune vulnerable. "It's good to see you!"

"I have the third Talisman!" Pluto raised her key up in the air.

Nine smirked as Tellu handed her a twenty.

"And I can get your Talisman out without you having to die, Neptune!" She pointed her giant key at Neptune's heart, and the Aqua Mirror popped out.

Neptune stared at the woman. "How the hell did you do that?" she asked. "I was told, by you, that I would have to kill someone to get a Talisman, and here you just come along and MAKE IT POP OUT?"

"Saying otherwise would have been taboo," Pluto said, quickly thinking of an excuse. "Anyway, let's make everyone normal again."

She pointed her giant key at Nine, whose dress ripped open as the Space Sword flew out of it.

"Eww," the Inners said simultaneously, averting their eyes.

And the three Talismans, now revealed, aligned to form a triangle, and Haruka and Michiru and Setsuna all stepped forward.

They took hold of the Talismans, and then there was a bright light.

* * *

Next time! On Red Wine!

It gets worse! Pharaoh Ninety is descending from the sky! Haruka may or may not have succeeded in getting cured! Pluto gets called Sailor 134340! Michiru gets fed up! The author reveals that this story was originally supposed to be a one-shot! And Sailor Moon-tachi succeed in doing nothing!

Red Wine!

The light of the moon is love's message.

* * *

WindChaser0001: Sailor Moon always defeats the Daimons with one attack. One single attack. It sort of annoys me that all of the others look so weak in comparison. So I went and demonstrated what it would look like if Michiru did that.

Petiyaka: Yes, I'm so excited! I love English!

Mantaray: That's what I imagined when creating it. I mean, I almost gave it manparts, but then I figured that, well, since all of the Daimons look like women...

Imjce: I am a Grammar Nazi and I am proud of it.


	12. Chapter 11

Heh. Um, hi guys. Did you know that this chapter has actually been hanging around online for a month now and I just now got around to publishing it?

* * *

Eleven. The Infinity Plus One Sword

The Holy Grail appeared.

The artifact that the Legendary Messiah would use, the one Uranus and Neptune had seen in their dreams, flew into view with a burst of light.

When the light faded, there was something wrong.

* * *

"Neptune," Uranus murmured, back in human form again, letting the hand that held the Space Sword drop limply to her side as she stared at the Holy Grail, "we did it." A pause. "We really did it."

Neptune caressed the Aqua Mirror, mouth twisting into a joyful and thoughtful smile. "We did, Uranus." She bit her lip. "Oh God, Haruka. It's even more beautiful than I imagined."

"It is," Uranus whispered. "It really is, Nep..." She trailed off as she finally took her eyes off of the Grail. "Um, Neptune?"

"Yes, Uranus?" Neptune was still staring at the Grail.

"Have you ever stared into a mirror and had the strange feeling that your reflection is staring back at you?"

"All the time. Wh..." Neptune looked at Uranus. "What."

"This is nothing like I imagined when I thought of being human again," Uranus said, brushing a lock of wavy green hair out of her eyes. "Or when I imagined not being insane."

There was a small squeaking noise to Uranus's right, and the two Outers looked over. Nine was standing there, looking very tiny as she stared at the Grail.

"The Holy Grail," she said hungrily, hands twitching in anticipation. "Tellu! Viluy! Mimete! And you, whatever your name is! What are you four waiting for? Attack!" she screamed, claws shooting out of her fingertips.

"Yes ma'am!" they all shouted, giggling and beginning to attack the Inners.

"I'll take care of Sailor Pluto-tachi here!" Nine yelled, randomly gaining seven years of age and six cup sizes. Uranus wolf-whistled, and Neptune glared at the displaced racer.

"Control yourself, Haruka," Neptune said, smacking the back of the Senshi of Wind's head gently so she wouldn't mess up her body's hair. "Remember that, although she looks old, she's ten."

"Stop ruining my fun," Uranus said, rubbing her stinging neck. "Okay, so if I'm you, and you're me, does that mean I get to use your powers?"

"I don't think so," Neptune said, looking down at her green and blue sailor fuku. "I think we just switched bodies, not powers."

"That simplifies things," the Senshi of Wind said, cracking her knuckles and making the Senshi of Sea cringe at the thought of getting arthritis. "WORLD SHAKING!"

Nine yelped as she quickly dodged it, causing her dress to flip up. Neptune stared for a second, a bit distracted, then shook herself out of it and yelled, "DEEP SUBMERGE!"

Nine growled. "Damn you!" she said. "You made me break a nail!" She raised the hand that still had perfect nails high in the air and yelled, "MISTRESS NINE FLASH ATTACK!"

Uranus and Neptune stared in a mixture of confusion and arousal, as Nine's dress was torn off while Pluto merely sighed. "Not again," she mumbled, then cradled her forehead with a gloved palm. With the other, she pulled her giant key out from underneath her skirt and pointed the dripping weapon at Nine. "Dead Scream," she whispered, and a ball of purple light shot out of the Time Orb and at Nine.

Nine jumped over it and then wondered, "Why am I wasting my time with you three when the Holy Grail is unguarded?" She cast a quick glance at the still-glowing cup. "Thanks for the fun, you three. I'll be sure to remember you when Pharaoh Ninety kills you all." She blew a kiss to them.

"No! I won't let you get the Grail!" Neptune shouted, running forward. She brushed a few strands of blonde hair out of her eyes as she shoved the Aqua Mirror in Nine's face, trying to push her away with it. When she felt Nine had been pushed enough, she sucked in a deep breath and jumped, somehow managing to grab the Holy Grail.

* * *

Pharaoh Ninety could see a small burst of light on the surface of the Earth as he descended. His eighty eyes blinked open, all swiveling to stare at the light. The Great Old One who had once been known as Eihort waved its tentacles menacingly, trying to threaten the brightness.

He could already taste the energy radiating from the artifact. It tasted like chicken. Pharaoh Ninety, or Eihort, thought it tasted very good.

He could hear the mortals' screams already...

* * *

In an alternate dimension, a cavewoman stood up and stared at the sky, pointing to the suspicious red star growing steadily bigger in the evening sky.

"Crono, La mean fire. Vos mean big," she said in broken English, pointing it out. Crono grunted.

* * *

"I got it!" Neptune pumped her fist in the air and began to do a touchdown dance. "Who's a badass? I'm a badass!"

Uranus sighed, looking up from the game of cards she had been playing with Nine to pass the time while Neptune celebrated. "Yes, dear. You've been saying that for the last six minutes." She looked up at the Holy Grail. "Now all we need to do is find the Messiah."

"Um, Uranus?" Mercury walked over, tapping the displaced Senshi of Wind on the shoulder. "If I may supply some logic?"

"Whatever. Just don't interrupt the game. Oh, by the way, I just lost the Game." She snickered, looking back down at her cards. "Do you have a Five of Spades, Nine?"

"Sailor Moon has consistently been the central character in all of our adventures. There was the Dark Kingdom and the Black Moon. We can safely predict that she'll be the central character here as well, seeing as this is just—"

"Go fish!" Nine squealed, throwing her hands into the air. "Or bingo! Or... whatever you humans say when you win."

"'I win?'" Uranus supplied, scowling. "I'm going to win those five bucks back before Neptune gets done dancing, I promise."

"You wish," Nine said slyly, reaching across the table and placing her face very close to Haruka's. "Or would you like another prize?"

"No!" Uranus thrust herself away from the Daimon-woman violently. "I'm a Michirusexual! Not a Ninesexual! Keep! Away! From! Me!"

"You know, Uranus, that sounds very odd since you're in Michiru's body," Mercury said quietly.

"And you!" Uranus yelled. "Shut up! I don't need any logic! This is Red Wine! This is supposed to be an idiotic fanfiction with idiotic, self-depreciating jokes like breaking the fourth wall thrown in so Adi can get some cheap laughs!"

"Adi?" the Senshi of Water asked, looking very confused, and then pulled her computer from her ass and began to type furiously.

By this time, Neptune had finished dancing, and was now pointing the Holy Grail at Nine, holding it like a gun. "Holy Grail power! Activate!" she yelled.

Nine blinked.

"That didn't work?" Neptune asked, then started shaking the Grail. "Shit! This must be a cheap knock-off!" She looked at it carefully, then read, "Made in China." Her eyebrows knitted closely together. "It _is _a knock-off!"

"Actually," Pluto interjected, "that's an authentic Holy Grail. Now that we've found it, saying stuff about it is no longer taboo—"

"I don't care about what's taboo, Sailor 134340! You're not even a goddamn planet!" Neptune barked, looking rather intimidating in Uranus's body. "If it hadn't been for your idiotic taboos, Haruka and I wouldn't have had to go through all of that pain, thinking we needed to sacrifice people! Do you know how many sleepless nights I had because of that? The only reason I slept at all was because having sex with Haruka constantly was exhausting! You don't understand what we had to go through, being a coward and staying at your goddamn Time Door! 'Oh, I'm Sailor 134340 and I enjoy causing people anguish because doing otherwise would be taboo!' Be a woman! Stand up for yourself! You don't have to care about what's taboo and what's not! Do what you think is best! Don't do things because someone else tells you to!"

Pluto blinked, then coughed. "You do realize that I'll die if I break taboo, right?"

"GO FISH!" Nine yelled.

Neptune glared at Pluto. "Whatever. Now tell me why this thing isn't working." She held up the Grail.

"Easy. You're not the Messiah," Pluto said with a smile. "Hand it to Sailor Moon, will you?"

"This had better be good," Neptune said, eyes narrowed, as she walked toward the Senshi of the Moon. But before she could hand it to her, there was a large crash outside.

Pharaoh Ninety had arrived.

* * *

Next time! On Red Wine!

Pharaoh Ninety has arrived, obviously! Haruka and Michiru must face the possibility of being stuck in each other's bodies and therefore seeing their own face (a real mood killer) whenever they have sex! Sailor Moon tries being a real leader for once! Sailor Pluto tries to stand up for herself! Sailor Mercury discovers that storing her computer in her ass is a great way to break it! And Sailor Saturn is finally revealed!

Red Wine!

The light of the moon is love's message.


	13. Chapter 12

For once, I have nothing to say here.

* * *

Twelve. No Items! Fox Only! Final Destination

"Gruuu..."

As soon as she heard this, Uranus thrust her arm to the side, blocking the other soldiers' way. "Everyone," she said, long green hair whipping around as she turned to face them, "you are not to look directly at any of Pharaoh Ninety's eyes. They'll make you go mad. If you do need to look at the thing, look at its tentacles. And don't get too close to those." She cleared her throat, looking slightly uncomfortable. "I hope everyone knows what sort of things tentacle monsters do to magical girls like us. Remember; stay away from those things. Ranged attacks are probably key here."

"Hentaaaai!" the Inners shouted simultaneously, pointing at the displaced Senshi of Wind. Uranus glared at them.

"No, I'm not a hentai," she snapped. "I'm speaking from experien..." She trailed off. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"...experience?" Venus murmured appreciatively, drawing closer to Uranus. The displaced racer slowly inched away. "I think that's pretty hot. Women with experience," Venus added.

Neptune then latched onto Uranus's arm, which looked rather odd considering that they were in each other's bodies. "Mine," the Senshi of Sea growled. Venus pouted.

"Any other comments?" Uranus said dryly. Sailor Moon slowly raised her hand. "What, Usagi?"

"What're we going to do with the Holy Grail?" the rabbit girl asked. Neptune looked at Uranus, who caught her gaze and nodded. Pulling out the gaudy cup from under her skirt, Neptune tossed it to the reincarnated moon princess. However, because she didn't know her body's abilities very well, she tossed it too hard. The Holy Grail smacked Moon in the face, knocking her out.

"Sailor Moon!" the Inners all cried, rushing immediately to their fallen leader's side. Gently cradling her body, Mars picked Moon up.

"I bet I can revive her with a kiss!" the Senshi of Fire cried, and leaned down, lips puckered. Then Tuxedo Kamen ran in and pushed Mars away.

"You're right!" he said, grabbing Moon from the priestess. "I can revive her with true love's kiss!" With a hand, he pulled Sailor Moon's jaw down, then placed his lips on hers and stuck his tongue inside.

"Eww," Uranus and Neptune said simultaneously. Not surprisingly, the Inners all agreed save for Mars, who was busy wondering if there was a threesome in her future.

After Sailor Moon had been revived, she grabbed the Holy Grail warily, wondering if it would attack her again. The lid of the gaudy cup popped off and she was bathed in bright pink light.

Super Sailor Moon stood there after the light had disappeared. Gasping, the Inners began genuflecting to her, while Uranus and Neptune—

"Me too!" added Pluto.

—and 134340 stood there and stared on arrogantly.

"That's not what I meant!" Pluto whined, staring at the author angrily.

The author shrugged.

"Sailor Pluto?" asked Uranus, brushing a lock of sea-green hair from her face. "Who are you talking to?"

"You should know!" Pluto hissed. "You were the one breaking the fourth wall last chapter!"

"_Ara, _what were we doing again?" Neptune asked out of the blue.

"We were coming out—" Uranus started.

"—of the closet?" Neptune finished.

"No! We were coming out of the building to fight Pharaoh Ninety!" Uranus said. "You should know this by now, my snookie-wookie sugar bear!"

The Inners stared at her.

"Don't make fun of me!" Uranus yelled.

"And don't strain my vocal cords," Neptune said, smacking her partner's head lightly. "Now let's go destroy that damned thing so we can get back into our normal bodies!"

Uranus glanced at her, irritated. "What was that about straining vocal cords?" she asked icily. Neptune merely smirked.

* * *

"Master Pharaoh Ninety!" Nine called. Eihort—Lavos—Ninety's eighty eyes swiveled around to stare at her. "I am pleased you are here! Sailor Moon-tachi shall be arriving soon! Once I procure the Holy Grail for you, you shall be free to rule the earth!"

Ninety blinked, looking surprisingly irritated. _I really have no use for you, _he rumbled, words flowing through Nine's mind. _I think this would be more fun if I did it myself. Good-by._

Nine's eyes widened as Ninety wrapped a tentacle around her, bringing her closer to him. She gasped once, and then all was gone.

Two more eyes appeared on Ninety's skin; they slowly opened to reveal deep purple irises.

* * *

_Fear, _a deep voice said within their minds. _I am Eihort, the Great Old One. _

The voice became louder as the senshi approached the giant red mass of eyes until—

_I AM EIHORT. I AM FEAR. I HAVE BECOME THAT WHICH NO BEING HAS DARED TO BECOME BEFORE. I HAVE BECOME THE WARRIOR OF DESTRUCTION HERSELF. I AM SAILOR SATURN._

"It can't be!" 134340 gasped; noticing her name, she turned around and smacked the author. Pluto turned back around, satisfied. "He's assimilated Saturn?"

"Then he'll try to assimilate us as well," Uranus murmured. "Everyone! Stay on your guard! You don't know what he'll try!"

On cue, a violin appeared in front of Neptune. Eyes lighting up, she grinned widely and began to fondle it.

"No! Neptune! I'm not a Daimon anymore! You can stop trying to have sex with it!" Uranus yelled, rushing over to her lover and prying her from the instrument. "Oh, damn it, is she going to do this with every violin she sees from now on?"

_YES._

"Shut up!" she yelled, and pulled the Space Sword out from under her skirt. "Space Sword! Blaster!" A large yellow beam of power shot out of the sword's tip, hitting the violin. "We're the main characters, Neptune! You can't let yourself be trapped!"

The violin broke, and Neptune stared at Uranus. For a few seconds, the displaced Senshi of Wind figured she would attack, but instead Neptune smiled and said, "Thanks," and kissed her.

It was odd, being kissed by herself; Uranus blinked and returned the kiss eagerly, trying to see how she felt about it. When they pulled apart, she mumbled, "I'm a pretty good kisser."

"I am too, apparently," Neptune said. She pulled the Aqua Mirror out from her bra and yelled, "Submarine! Reflection!"

There was a burst of light, and Ninety recoiled. The large golden eye in the center of the giant red mass began to glow, and the Senshi of Sea shouted, "There! That's his weak point!"

"Super Sailor Moon, now!" Tuxedo Kamen shouted, pleased to finally get a part in this fanfiction.

"Yes!" Sailor Moon nodded, and began to do an intricate series of spins and twirls. Uranus yawned, then ran inside quickly.

"Coffee machine, coffee machine..." she said, tapping her chin in thought. "They have one somewhere." She walked through the lab for a few minutes, trying to find it.

Surprisingly, it was in the bathroom.

"Now why would anyone put this here?" she asked, confused, then shrugged and made herself a cup. She waited for it to finish, and when it did, she pulled another cup out and made another coffee. She pulled out some creamer and poured it in.

Running back outside, she yelled, "Neptune, I made coffee!"

The displaced Senshi of Sea rushed to her and took it gratefully. "Thanks, I was getting bored." She looked pointedly at the still-twirling Sailor Moon. "Her attacks seem to get longer every season, don't they?"

"'Seem to?'" Uranus repeated, smirking. "Neptune, they don't seem like it. They really are."

Neptune hesitated, then nodded. "I'm not surprised."

"Neither am I."

They drank in silence.

Neptune finished hers first; Uranus lowered the cup from her lips and asked, "Want me to go make another?"

"No, I'm good. When do you think she'll finish?"

Uranus looked at her wristwatch. "Oh, another thirty seconds or so."

On cue, Moon shot her attack, which made a ridiculous sound effect as it crashed into Ninety. Uranus and Neptune walked back over and watched as Ninety's eighty eyes winced in pain.

_NO! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! SENSHI OF EARTH, I WILL RETURN! _he yelled as he began to explode.

"Ew, alien guts," the Inners simultaneously said as Ninety's innards flew through the air and coated them from head to toe. Thanks to their Perfection Field, Uranus, Neptune, and 134340 were miraculously saved from the guts.

"Well, that was fun," Uranus said. "Now how are we going to get back in our original bodies?"

"You don't," 134340 said, looking distastefully at the destruction around her. "You stay like this. Forever. Consider it penance."

"For what?" Neptune whined, panicking. "What did we do?"

"You lived," said a new voice.

They all turned.

There was a moment of absolute silence.

"It can't be!" Neptune said, the first to break the moment.

"No..." Uranus said.

"Sailor..." 134340 mumbled.

"...Saturn?" Moon gasped.

Mercury pulled her computer out of her ass and began to type furiously until there was a loud screeching noise. She looked at the blue notebook, gaping at the smoke coming out of it.

"Oh God!" she screamed. "I've destroyed it! No!" She burst into tears.

"Yeees," Saturn said gleefully. "Anyway." She looked back at the non-crying senshi. "Ninety's body may have been destroyed, but his spirit lives on in me." She hefted the Silence Glaive. "I am the true final boss. This is the end," she smirked, "of Evangelion—I'm sorry, I mean of everything."

"No!" Chibimoon ran to Saturn and latched onto her calf. "Hotaru-chan, you can't! Please please please don't destroy the world!"

Saturn's eyes widened. "Do I know you?" she said, attempting to shake the senshi from the future off. "I don't think I do—it's not in the girl's memories, anyway." Failing miserably at her attempts to get Chibimoon off, she merely sighed. "Whatever. Now watch me bring down this bad boy." She petted her glaive and stepped forward, slowly beginning to lower it. "Hah! There is nothing you can do to stop me now!"

"No! I believe in you! I forgive you for trying to destroy the world! So let me purify you!" Super Sailor Moon pulled the dripping Rod of Love out from underneath her skirt. "Rainbow! Moon! Heartache!"

She began to twirl again.

"You know, I think I'll take you up on that coffee," Neptune said.

"All right," Uranus murmured, and went to go make another batch.

* * *

The senshi watched, breaths held as they wondered who would be faster; Saturn at dropping her glaive or Moon at completing her twirls.

This continued for several minutes.

Behind them, Uranus stepped out of the building, a cup of coffee held in one hand. She looked over at the two.

Somehow, they both completed their attacks at the same time.

There was an explosion of light.

* * *

Uranus awoke.

"Michiru...?" she murmured, looking around. "Where are you?"

She blinked. "Where did Saturn go?"

There were shards of glass scattered at her feet. She picked one up and stared into it.

Octave stared back at her.

"Fuck."

end


End file.
